Why Getting Cold Feet Can Save You From Heart Ache

photo credit: Tina Vega

An Early Warning Sign

A couple who gets cold feet before their wedding are often assured by their supportive family and friends it is only a case of nerves, and should not be taken seriously.

That is a BIG mistake.

Of course, being a little nervous before getting married is to be expected. You both are about to embark on a major change in your life.  Plus, the stress of planning a wedding only adds more fuel to the fire.

However, there are many of you who know before you walk down the aisle you have serious reservations about your relationship. 

Deep inside, your gut is telling you something is wrong. When doubts about the wedding are expressed, you brush them aside because you love each other and that is all that matters. Right?

A Cautionary Tale

Let me tell you my friend's story.  Serena and Louis (their names have been changed to protect their privacy) had dated for several years before deciding it was time to get married.

Serena and I have known each other since college. She is an intelligent, compassionate and charming woman who is also a talented writer. Louis is a quiet and stoic man who is a successful IT professional. 

Serena and Louis chose to get married in Mexico in a private, beautiful ceremony with just the two of them, the wedding official and one witness. Two years later, they divorced.

Shortly after the divorce was final, Serena invited me to dinner where we discussed what her future plans were.  During the conversation,  I asked my friend, "Serena, when did you know your marriage was in serious trouble?"

She drew in a deep breath, then admitted, "I had many concerns during our engagement, but I knew definitively right before the wedding I was making a big mistake." 

She continued, "There is one incident that occurred during our ceremony which was a major red flag that I should have called the whole thing off.  As I was walking down the path to join Louis before the priest, I stumbled and fell. Louis did not make one move to help me! The priest had to assist me. Despite being humiliated, I proceeded with the ceremony." 

Okay, I was beyond stunned at hearing this. Of course my next question was, "Why didn't you call the wedding off?" She thoughtfully replied, "Honestly, I felt obligated because of all the expense Louis spent on the trip, our honeymoon, plus the reception for our friends and relatives back in the states. I didn't want to embarrass our families. But in my heart, I knew the marriage was a mistake."

Trust Yourself

Now, Serena's story is unique, but it highlights an important truth: all too often we know deep down in our hearts when a relationship is no good for us. But instead of trusting our inner voice, we get carried away by the euphoria of being in love and/or bow down to the expectations of others.

Incidentally, it does not help that our society places far more emphasis on the pomp and circumstance of the wedding instead of the marriage itself.

If you are dismissing any serious doubts as simply having cold feet, please stop! Listen to what your inner voice is trying to tell you. Refuse to let it be overwhelmed by any external pressures, including the expectations of family, friends, or even your partner. Trust yourself.

You are doing yourself, and your partner, a grave disservice by not directly confronting any misgivings you are having about your impending nuptials.

Remember, marriage is a partnership which should be entered into whole-heartedly with love, joy and deep commitment - without any sense of fear, dread or obligation to anyone.

Do you feel pre-wedding nerves are too quickly dismissed? Please share your thoughts by commenting below.

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Comments

[realitychick]

Great piece Terez - I have a friend in a similar position as Serena, although she has just left her partner. It does pay to listen to your gut, even though at times it is a very hard thing to do (social/familial pressures certainly don't help). But you have to remember it's your life, and your happiness and if you DO have massive misgivings about being in any kind of relationship, it's best to make the break.
In short, life IS too short.
Cheers, RC

[Terez]

Hey RC, thanks for stopping by and commenting! I agree that defying the expectations of others (especially those of family) is often no easy task. It takes incredible courage, but the important thing to remember is, it IS your life . No none else is responsible for your happiness. You must make it your main priority.

[YouAreBeautiful]

This is a horribly sad story. I think I should speak from the women's perspective for a minute hear and say that sometimes, those of us who are timid and very sensitive to other people's feelings tend to be insensitive to our own. We don't feel we have the right to demand better or have a dream relationship and the partner that's as close to perfect as fallible human men can get. We tend to settle, see good in people, and tell ourselves this is fine. Falling at your wedding and not having help up from your husband is awful. Humiliating, neglectful. Where was the husbands love? I'm glad she chose to divorce and hope she found someone else.

[Terez]

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts! You know, I shared my friend's experience hoping that others would learn from it, and use it as a cautionary tale for their own lives. We all deserve someone who will love and cherish us deeply. Yet, we do often settle, even knowing deep down the person is not right for us. We need to listen and trust in that "still, small, voice" within us so much more. By the way, since my friend's divorce, she has become an even stronger, more beautiful person know. She has refused to let her experience cause her to become bitter. She is doing just fine, which is another lesson on how resilient the human spirit can be.