Why Faking It In The Bedroom Will Cost You

WHY FAKE IT?

In one of my all-time favorite films, When Harry Met Sally, the two leads are in a deli discussing sex. Harry believes he can always tell when he has sexually satisfied a woman. 

Sally scoffs and proceeds to demonstrate in hilarious detail how easy it is for women to fake orgasm.

Women in theaters everywhere roared with laughter, while men squirmed uncomfortably in their seats.

That scene has become a classic of modern cinema. Why? Because in all great humor there is also great truth.

Turth is, many women feel it is often necessary to occasionally fake orgasm. As one very close friend frankly put it, "You men! Your egos are soo fragile. You have to handle them with kid gloves."

Another friend exasperatedly explained to me,  "sometimes it's easier just to go along to get along."

Wow. While it honored me that my friends were willing to open up regarding a very sensitive subject, their revelations were very sobering to say the least.

If you are in the habit of faking it in the bedroom, the botton line is you are not having your sexual needs met. Resentment and anger toward your partner will surely fester, with the ultimate cost being the health of your relationship.

MINDSETS BEHIND FAKING IT

In the fantastic book Lies at the Altar: The Truth Behind Great Marriages, the author, Dr. Robin L. Smith, touches on the issue of sexual politics in relationships. 

Dr. Smith asserts that women, overall, are still socialized to please. This is a main reason many women believe they are great lovers solely because they excite and satisfy their partners. 

However, to truly be a great lover, you must  also allow yourself to receive pleasure as well as give it!

Dr. Smith further explains that the issue of sex is an emotional minefield because we are (literally and figuratively) naked and at our most vulnerable during lovemaking.  Therefore, many women falsely tell themselves:

• In order to remain sexually desirable, I must have the body of a super model
• If I'm not in the mood, but my partner wants sex, I have to give in
• If I give him sex whenever he wants it, he won't have an affair
• If he does have an affair, it's my fault because I didn't satisfy him
• My partner will honor and cherish me because I meet his sexual demands despite my mood
• His sexual satisfaction matters more than mine

Even though these thought patterns are false, they gain significant power in a relationship if not confronted and exposed.

FINALLY

On the other hand, the best way to enjoy a completely healthy and joyful sex life is by having honest conversations about it. Please just don't assume you know your partner's attitudes about sex.

Even if you have been together for a while, or live together, you need to talk about your sex life! Be willing to get emotionally naked with each other.

Finally, what are some of the reasons you feel women tend to make their sexual satisfaction a low priority? Please share your thoughts by commenting below.

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Comments

[Staish]

Wow, I came here from stumbleupon and... this is really true! I know it's wrong to fake it, but sometimes it's just so frustrating to teach him what he needs to do. Plus, I feel bad that it takes me a while. Maybe I feel like, I can get myself off, so I don't need for him to. But then again, I tell myself those things all the time: I must have the body of a supermodel, if I give him what he wants whenever he won't leave. I relate. Maybe I should evaluate how I do things.

[Terez]

Hi Staish,

First thanks for being so courageous and generous in sharing your experience with our community! You are most definitely not alone.

One of the reasons I wrote this post was due to the surprising number of women in my close social circle who admitted to faking orgasm quite often.

First, if your partner truly cares about you, then he will want you to get pleasure and enjoyment from sex. Pick a time outside of the bedroom when you are both relaxed and receptive to having a conversation about your sex life. Then broach the subject.

You mention that you require a "warm up" period before sex. Guess what, so do 99.99% of all women! :-) Please don't feel there is something wrong with you because there isn't.

From what you describe, it sounds as if you need more foreplay before you are completely ready for sex. There are many ways to accomplish this. For example, try reading to each other from a sexy novel before bed. That is a great way to set the mood for both of you! Also, gently let your partner know what touches and sensations bring you the most pleasure.

More importantly, remember you must give yourself permission to receive pleasure from sex as well as give it. Again, if your partner truly cares about you, he will most definitely agree.

Finally, talk to your partner. Your sex life is an important part of your relationship. Therefore, you deserve to be satisfied and fulfilled as well.

I wish you well, and thanks again for reading!