Why You Need A First Date Exit Strategy

Red Alert!

You know the date is a dud almost as soon as he opens his mouth.

So, there you are looking stunning with a coveted table at the hottest eatery in town.

But after 25 minutes of hearing your date drone on about how his ex ate his soul, you wish you were home.

In your sweats. Watching tv. 

With a pound of chocolate.

Like most of us, you make a common fist date mistake:  not having an exit strategy!

Just as airplanes have an exit strategy in the event something goes horribly wrong, you need to have a plan should things go awry during a first date.

Think about it, most of  us know within the first 10-15 minutes into a date if we have a connection, and want to see that person again.

Yet why do we still continue to set up first dates in environments where either:

• we don't give ourselves the opportunity to  engage in conversation to find out more about the person

• we trap ourselves in expensive restaurants where we often feel obligated to continue the evening from hell due to a misguided sense of obligation - since the meal costs more than our car.

Creating an exit strategy helps relieve some of the enormous anxiety and awkwardness  which comes when a date doesn't work out.

The Dos And The Don'ts

So, in order to create you own dating exit strategy, here are some great guidelines to follow:

1. Avoid situations which don't give you a chance to talk.  Nix going to sporting events, concerts or the movies on a very first date. While these events can be fun, they don't give you the chance to break the ice and talk.
2. Skip the fancy restaurants.  99.5% of people arrange a first date at an expensive restaurant. However, realizing you two aren't hitting it off can mean sitting through an uncomfortable meal. Not a fun evening.
3. Meet for drinks or coffee. Arranging to meet for coffee or drinks is a fantastic way to begin a first date.  The setting is often very informal, which helps break the ice, and is more conducive to conversation.  In the event you two don't connect, it's easier to part ways with the expense of just a few drinks between you.
4. Be safe! If your date is someone you don't really know, never arrange for them to pick you up where you live. In fact, it's often wiser to meet each other at your destination separately.  So if the evening goes south, you are free to leave anytime you choose. Plus, you won't have the concern that this person knows where you live.  Important note:  always let a friend know where you will be - just in case.

Finally

Remember, going on a first date is very exciting! With that said, it is just wise to have an exit strategy in place when things do not go as planned. 

Equipping yourself so helps relieve much of the anxiety and awkwardness which comes with the territory.

So plan carefully, have fun and stay safe!

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Special guest post by Dr. Gerry Heisler, PhD, and author of the forthcoming book Relationship Boot Camp.

What are we doing going out? Where are we headed? 

This generation is facing a dilemma that most haven't. Your parents and grandparents may have had a different view about dating. Many were prepared and predisposed to be dating so they could find a spouse. They saw someone as long as they were spousal material, and then dumped unsuitable candidates.

Many didn't date just for fun but were actually task-marriage oriented.

Getting married in your early twenties, right after college was common place and even desirable. Some worried if they remained unmarried when they reached their mid 20's without a significant love-relationship.

Not so today.

Many people in their 20's and 30's I see today don't WANT to be on a marriage track like their elders. They look to build careers or finish their education. They are more into having fun and having friends with benefits.

When many start dating someone, these questions often arise.... "What are we doing? Why are we going out?" Usually one person may feel more about the other, and this can make the other feel guilty that the intense feelings of love aren't reciprocated.

"I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want to lose the benefits. I don't want to lie to them, but I don't want to be on a marriage track." It's as if they can't let someone get too close or too far away.

Real ambivalence. Real conflict. Real confusion.

About the author:  

As a senior clinical psychologist, when Dr. Gerry Heisler writes about relationships, he has over thirty-seven years of front line clinical encounters as a psychotherapist, assistant professor, and marital therapist.  He has dealt with couples and individuals of all ages.  He based his Relationship Boot Camp book on both personal and clinical experiences.  These provide foundations for his investigation of how to find and make love stay.  He  has a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology.  He has presented at national conferences and is on television regularly in his regional market.  He has been interviewed by various newspapers, magazines.  Dr. Heisler has made many speaking presentations on a wide variety of psychological topics.

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