How To Survive The Holidays With Your In-Laws - With Your Sanity Intact!

As I glanced at my caldendar the other day,  I was amazed at how quickly the holiday season has arrived once again!

Granted, the holidays should be a celebratory time when one enjoys the comany of family and friends. Unfortunately, many married couples face the holidays with a sense of dread. Why?  The cause of much of this anxiety can be summed up in two words:  the In-laws!

Whether you are facing the prospect of clashing family traditions, welcoming a disapproving, hyper-critical mother and father in-law to your home, etc. many people find their enjoyment of the holiday season greatly diminished under a sea of  hostility, stress and anxiety.

The good news?  Believe it or not, many people enjoy the holidays as well as successfully cope with their extended family by using many of the following strategies:

• Negotiate If your spouse wants to visit his parents who live across the state, but you prefer to spend quality time at home, agree to arrive at an arrangement that will satisfy you both. For instance, if you do decide to travel, pick a day before your trip to trim your tree with just immediate family. Also, consider cutting your trip short so that you can spend more time at  home.

• Compromise  This skill goes hand-in-hand with negotiation.  For example, if your mother wants you over for Christmas, but so does your mother-in-law, compromise.  For example, a colleague of mine rotates which relatives his family visits during the holidays each year.

• Have A Contingency Plan  If you are out of town visiting relatives, it is highly advisble to have a plan to cut your trip short if the situation becomes too tense. If you fly, attempt to purchase open-ended tickets so that if you need to return home earlier than expected, you will not have to pay a penalty.

• Discuss Your Gift Giving Plans   Too many people feel that they must provide gifts for their entire extended family mainly due to a misplaced sense of obligation.  Given our current economic climate, many couples are feeling increased financial stress.  Remember, the holidays are not about materialism. Discuss what the holidays mean to your and your spouse. Then, decide what makes the most sense for your financial circumstance.

• Get Some Alone Time  Whether you go for a long drive, take a nap, zone out in front of the televison, or visit your local day spa, spending some quality time alone is essential for "re-charging" your batteries. Whatever you do, make sure to carve out some quality time for you and you alone.

• Be Loyal To Your Spouse  You and your spouse have decided to build a life together. Decide here and now that your new family is your top priority. You two are a team, now function as one. This means not allowing yourself to go on any guilt trips your new relatives may try to present.  That being said, do not disprepect your in-laws, but instead incorporate them into the new family you and your spouse have created (more about this later).

• Make Your Plans Clear  Whatever your plans for the holidays may be, make sure to announce them to all involved. This will ensure everyone will be on the same page.   After your plans are made, stick to them as closely as possible. This wil allow your relatives to make any necessary adjustments to their own plans.

• Take Responsibiliy For Your Own Happiness  I firmly believe the way we react to various circumstances, and not the circumstances themselves, is the main determinate of our happiness. So, make the decision that no matter what, you are going to enjoy your holidays. 

• Respect Your In-laws' Decision  If your in-laws decide to skip your holiday gathering for another commitment, accept their decision with grace. By respecting your in-laws' decisions, they will be far more likely to reciprocate in kind.

• Downgrade Your Expectations  Realize that you are not perfect - and neither are your in-laws.  Many of us wish we had the kind of families that are portrayed in Norman Rockwell paintings. However, the reality is that we and our kin fall short of that ideal, which is okay. When you lower your expectations toward the behavior of others, you allow yourself to become more relaxed toward the manner in which they do behave. This not to say that you will like everything your relatives do or say, but their affect on your mood will be minimized.

• Incorporate Your New Relatives Into Your Traditions  Alright, I realize that often getting all of your relatives together without a massacre occuring isn't always possible. You don't have to go as far as inviting everyone over to trim the tree, but try involve them in a ritual or two.  One idea is to have a holiday-themed movie night and invite everyone over for hot cocoa and Christmas cookies.

Finally, holidays with your in-laws does not have to feel as though you are fighting in World War III. Yes, it will take some effort on the part of you and your spouse. However, by following the strategies above, you may be amazed at how much you ignore all the "small stuff" and focus on the most important reasons we celebrate the holidays in the first place.

Do you have any ideas for how to get along better with the relatives durng the holidays?  Please share them with us !  Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

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